#12482 <Cyan> Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I he(+85/-14) |
<Cyan> Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I heard the faggot.
<Cyan> Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he was like halfway through I beat the fucking shit out of him.
<Cyan> So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops. Once they get here, they search him and look at what he fucking had:
<Cyan> 8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries), Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to "Monopoly."
<dan> Dude, you fucking killed McGuyver! |
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#12523 (meander) Newfoundland is like calling a place Untitled Document(+72/-10)
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(meander) Newfoundland is like calling a place Untitled Document
(meander) i bet its the default name for discovered land
(meander) and they just clicked Ok
(meander) now all other countries have to start out as Newfoundland 2 |
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#11693 <kolby> you know those bathrooms at football stadiums where like a bunch of guys just stand next to each other and piss in em?(+53/-4) |
<kolby> you know those bathrooms at football stadiums where like a bunch of guys just stand next to each other and piss in em?
<kolby> they had a smaller version of that in this restaraunt and I looked up while I was taking a piss and there was a mirror
<kolby> I started messing with my hair and I pissed all over myself and everyone behind me had this horrified look
<Scofco> hahaha, so you were pissing in the fucking sink?
<kolby> huh?
<kolby> ...fuck |
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#12516 <FossZombie> wtf(+55/-11)
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<FossZombie> wtf
<FossZombie> quote "so you are 23 years old right?" me: "yes" them: "did you have any programming experiance in the 1970s"
* Wolfed hails FossZombie
<FossZombie> I'm tempted to say yes
<Wolfed> It would have been interesting.
<FossZombie> Yes in 1971 I was the lead computer scientist for the military, until 1975 when I switched jobs and worked for zenith for a short period of time until 1980s when I switched over to the atari group programming team. In 1984 I was born and that pretty much ended my career as a programmer.
<FossZombie> I spent the next three years shitting myself and learning how to speak and learn my ABCs |
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#12518 <Iced_Plasma> I was at work at the retirement community(+49/-5) |
<Iced_Plasma> I was at work at the retirement community
<Iced_Plasma> and some old guy is talking to me about religion
<Iced_Plasma> and he looks aty me and says
<Iced_Plasma> "When do you think Jesus will come?"
<Iced_Plasma> and I said
<Iced_Plasma> "When he climaxes"
<Iced_Plasma> and he just stared at me in shock and rage |
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#12500 <max> my mom friended my sister on facebook(+54/-11)
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<max> my mom friended my sister on facebook
<max> but not me |
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#12611 <Croc> One thing led to another and you know(+57/-15) |
<Croc> One thing led to another and you know
<Croc> well in the awkward moment after sex
<Croc> but before anything else happened yet
<Croc> I had the strangest impulse
<Croc> I took some left over cum and smothered it on her forehead and said "Simba..." |
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#12488 <rob89> windows is being a bitch >_<(+51/-12)
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<rob89> windows is being a bitch >_<
<Trinexx> Install Linux.
<rob89> no. i use windows for all my work
<Trinexx> Linux would be better for that.
<rob89> besides, i like being able to play a game or two
<Trinexx> Linux has games.
<rob89> im not getting linux. windows has great support, ill have this fixed in no time
<Trinexx> Linux has better support.
<rob89> if you say "linux" one more time, im gonna send you a virus
<Trinexx> Good fucking luck. I'm on Linux. |
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#12510 Evader: nothing beats a caffiene high when reading a good book(+48/-14) |
Evader: nothing beats a caffiene high when reading a good book
Evader: kicks the imagination into overdrive
Quixote: I'll bet a light dose of psychedelics would beat a caffeine high.
Evader: no, then the vowels would segregate from the union and you'd have an alphabetical civil war on your hands
Evader: if you REALLY fuck up, the numbers will come in as peacekeepers and proceed to draw out a year long campaign to 'resolve the conflict' while secretly stealing all the punctuation |
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#12476 <Ves> Curt teh Juggler: our graduation ceremony was today, and right when some gamer nerd got his diploma, someone in the audi(+38/-8)
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<Ves> Curt teh Juggler: our graduation ceremony was today, and right when some gamer nerd got his diploma, someone in the audience played the zelda "get item" music and he did the zelda spin-hold-out-item stance
<Ves> Curt teh Juggler: it was quite possibly the most amazing thing ever.
Comment: #dirt - Timboss |
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#12507 <helf> lljhihkuggigfi(+42/-13) |
<helf> lljhihkuggigfi
<helf> oh good
<helf> still connected
<helf> everything died for a second
<leavengood> I wonder what happened to helf
<leavengood> wasn't he here a while ago?
<helf> I'm HERE!
<DaaT> maybe he timed out?
<leavengood> too bad
* helf waves arms around
<leavengood> I was going to offer him money
<helf> can't you see me?!!?
<DaaT> better for the chan if he's gone anyway
<DaaT> imho
<leavengood> yeah
<helf> :( |
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#12189 madskz: i' tried ass fuck(+33/-5)
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madskz: i' tried ass fuck
takefive: Ahaha
takefive: wait, why?
madskz: what??
madskz: oh shit
madskz: *i'm tired as fuck |
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#12480 DinkyDogg: me and porn has always been kinda like israel and nuclear weapons(+33/-5) |
DinkyDogg: me and porn has always been kinda like israel and nuclear weapons
DinkyDogg: i've never claimed to have porn but they all know i do |
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#12484 <Kodan> I hate lawyers.(+41/-13)
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<Kodan> I hate lawyers.
<Dwing> I'm a lawyer.
<Dwing> I AM OFFENDED BY YOUR STATEMENT!
<Dwing> <Sues>
<Kodan> <Counter-sues>
<Dwing> <Counter-Counter-Sues>
<Kodan> <Counter-counter-counter-sues>
<Dwing> <Counter-Counter-Counter-Counter-Sues>
<Kodan> <Spray paints self black>
<Kodan> <Pulls out the race card>
<Kodan> OH LAWD! THE WHITE MAN BE A PUTTIN' ME DOWN!
<Kodan> <Calls Al Sharpton>
<Dwing> ...
<Dwing> I bow to your superior tactic D: |
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#12519 <tonyyarusso> So I just went and looked at my Newegg order status, and saw a message I've never seen before:(+28/-3) |
<tonyyarusso> So I just went and looked at my Newegg order status, and saw a message I've never seen before:
<tonyyarusso> "THE PACKAGE IS DELAYED DUE TO A TRAIN DERAILMENT[X] " |
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#182189 * Kraniel screw myself with chocolate(+28/-3)
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* Kraniel screw myself with chocolate
* Chain takes pictures
<Gravius> Kraniel: Chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your ass. :/ |
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#12487 <Prrrrostata> in the back of national lampoon they had little round stickers that had a picture of a screw on them(+29/-6) |
<Prrrrostata> in the back of national lampoon they had little round stickers that had a picture of a screw on them
* JacklynHyde hoists an eyebrow
<Prrrrostata> you could stick them over the heart on bumperstickers
<Prrrrostata> "I <screw> my german shepard" |
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#12506 <emma> I have a job where I interact with humans a lot. It's one of the things about IRC I like. It's a great escape from the(+33/-10)
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<emma> I have a job where I interact with humans a lot. It's one of the things about IRC I like. It's a great escape from the fake daily rituals.
<emma> It's like curling up with a cozy book that talks back to you.
<HiLander> a book with terrible spelling and grammar |
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#12172 <WarHawk> guys can someone give me some tips for girls?(+27/-5) |
<WarHawk> guys can someone give me some tips for girls?
<WarHawk> im just so shy that i just start talking in here rather than to them after school
* Siege sets mode: +b *!*@ZiRC-80795AC0.sttlwa.dsl-w.verizon.net
* WarHawk was kicked by Siege (problem solved. thank me later.)
Comment: irc.zirc.org #flames |
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#12201 <titan-x> hey everybody(+37/-15)
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<titan-x> hey everybody
<Lowkey> hey john, where the fuck you been?!
<titan-x> i was in a wreck in my friends car. snow and ford explorers do not go well together
<Lowkey> holy shit
<titan-x> i got alot of morphine though
<titan-x> apparently the first night they had me on the drip i managed to wriggle out of the restraints i had on because they noticed me acting weird after they put me on the morphine
<titan-x> according to the nurse i spoke to, and accounts from my wife after she woke up, i was running up and down the halls, with the morphine IV still attached and the bag dragging behind me
<titan-x> and as this was going on, she tells me i was yelling this:
<titan-x> "THE COMMUNISTS HAVE CONTROL OF GRAND CENTRAL STATION AND THEY WILL BRING THE COMMIE TRAINS TO TOWN! WE MUST WARN THE MAYOR CHOO CHOO"
<Lowkey> w..t..f
<titan-x> that was kindof my reaction when she told me. i really cannot put my finger on that one. |
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#12475 <pthree> it came to light the other day that I don't own any clothes that I picked out myself(+29/-7) |
<pthree> it came to light the other day that I don't own any clothes that I picked out myself
<pthree> I'm a 28yr old barbie doll for my wife |
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#12508 atlasFTW> IM GOING TO FUCKING DESTROY THIS THING(+34/-13)
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atlasFTW> IM GOING TO FUCKING DESTROY THIS THING
<wildleaf> what thing?
<atlasFTW> My solution won't build
<wildleaf> then its a problem, not a solution |
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#12609 <Raws> that was epic(+31/-10) |
<Raws> that was epic
<Raws> so I called western union, right
<Raws> and I get this texan lady on the phone with a long drawl
<Raws> shes all like "you are aware that this is probably a fraud you stupid effing moron" and I just say
<Raws> "don't worry ma'am"
<Raws> "I'm from the internet"
<Raws> it just came out of my mouth
<sboob> LMFAO
<Raws> she just said "ok" |
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#12493 Commander_598: Heath Ledger dead.(+34/-14)
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Commander_598: Heath Ledger dead.
Kroko: ...what
Kroko: are you serious
Commander_598: Assuming CNN Headline News isn't just making things up.
Latis: No, he's dead.
Kroko: holy crap he is
Baconfish: have they finished making batman yet?
Kroko: yes
Kroko: I think
happydud: imdb lists Batman as in post-production
Baconfish: phew
Latis: awesome. We're safe guys. |
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#10806 <@feem> i had someone claim to me the other day that pi was the longest irrational number in existence(+25/-7) |
<@feem> i had someone claim to me the other day that pi was the longest irrational number in existence
<@feem> and someone else said no e was
<@feem> and i stared at them |
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#12490 <Fathom> Zoe: Would you prefer a woman with a healthy amount of body, or some calista flockhartish hussy who eats a few lettuc(+24/-6)
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<Fathom> Zoe: Would you prefer a woman with a healthy amount of body, or some calista flockhartish hussy who eats a few lettuce leaves for lunch every day?
<Zoe> I prefer men, quite frankly |
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#182191 <Kraniel> has anyone had thier cat watch them mastrubate? xD it's very weird(+19/-2) |
<Kraniel> has anyone had thier cat watch them mastrubate? xD it's very weird
<Isealdor> Kran: ...
* Nyoneno is reminded of the phrase 'A cat is fine too'
<Kraniel> well sheesh
<Kraniel> the cat just walked in and stared at me
<Kraniel> it was weird
<Frank_the_Bunny> lol |
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#9174 <Fonix> Windows told me to make a new password and I put in 'penis'...(+42/-26)
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<Fonix> Windows told me to make a new password and I put in 'penis'...
<Fonix> and it said it was too short. :( |
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#12390 *** qf2mquo has joined channel #uw(+25/-9) |
*** qf2mquo has joined channel #uw
<chronomex> hi qf2mquo
<chronomex> why the unusual nick?
<qf2mquo> o
<qf2mquo> shit
<qf2mquo> that's my password |
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#12492 <ZALOAWAY> .(+28/-13)
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<ZALOAWAY> .
<ie|Stacks> good point |
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#12504 <seraph> Hm(+21/-6) |
<seraph> Hm
<seraph> I just got an e-mail from a friend's mom
<seraph> subject like "Are you able to give the gift of life?"
<seraph> I think it's about a blood drive, but it never actually explicitly says so
<seraph> Highlights from body text:
<seraph> "What a great opportunity to 'visit' and catch up."
<seraph> "It takes about an hour and you get the best cookies!"
<nodoze> ...is she hot? |
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#12663 <PetulaClark> Stop stealing all the quotes from bash, unoriginal bollocky pig-faced bastards!(+19/-4)
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<PetulaClark> Stop stealing all the quotes from bash, unoriginal bollocky pig-faced bastards!
<PetulaClark> Brb... house is on fire. |
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#9884 <DigDug> how do i read a .job file?(+19/-6) |
<DigDug> how do i read a .job file?
<dekkon> you have to go to work.exe
Comment: #geekissues @ EFnet |
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#12486 <Rachel> Can't move to Texas, I'm not legally female there.(+22/-9)
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<Rachel> Can't move to Texas, I'm not legally female there. |
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#12517 shawnz> somebody's signature on xkcd forums is "warning: unpleasant spoiler." followed by a spoiler tag(+22/-9) |
shawnz> somebody's signature on xkcd forums is "warning: unpleasant spoiler." followed by a spoiler tag
shawnz> so i hit show
shawnz> Spoiler:
shawnz> You just lost the game. |
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#12521 [+PN] I tend to have my arms pointing like 30 degrees behind me when im running(+26/-13)
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[+PN] I tend to have my arms pointing like 30 degrees behind me when im running
[+PN] And stick to my toes.
[+PN] Not using full foot.
[%rammy] so like a fairy? |
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#12501 [marquis] Vista on my wife's laptop takes up ~800MB of RAM X_X(+22/-10) |
[marquis] Vista on my wife's laptop takes up ~800MB of RAM X_X
[carbine] Get a new wife.. One that doesn't use Vista |
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#12610 [Nighthawk]> why's everyone so quiet?(+21/-9)
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[Nighthawk]> why's everyone so quiet?
[Nighthawk]> someone die in here?
* Sane_Traitor inconspicuously drags a black plastic bag out the back door
* Louwhoo whistles
Comment: #rantradio |
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#12612 If i ever get kidnapped...(+21/-9) |
(Theo1) If i ever get kidnapped, the last thing im gonna say to my kidnappers is gonna be
(Theo1) If your gonna Rape and Murder me... Rape me first, i dont wanna die a virgin. |
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#12163 <stello> My firewall rules are tighter than an emo kid's jeans.(+17/-6)
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<stello> My firewall rules are tighter than an emo kid's jeans. |
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#12503 * Fireboy224 joined #twokinds(+23/-12) |
* Fireboy224 joined #twokinds
<Fireboy224> Hello all
<ThePyrO> Yo
<ThePyrO> I don't know you, but I have a feeling we'll get along XD
<Fireboy224> Yes. |
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#12607 <flyinsqrl> friend wants me to put 2.22 gigs of shit on a 2 gig flash drive(+23/-12)
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<flyinsqrl> friend wants me to put 2.22 gigs of shit on a 2 gig flash drive
<Coratee> that should work
<Coratee> you just have to really want it |
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#12498 <andr00> go ahead and google "meet russian women"(+19/-9) |
<andr00> go ahead and google "meet russian women"
<andr00> hit "I'm feeling lucky", since it sounds like you are!
<chronomex> are you sure? this feels a little uncomfortable
<andr00> ok, well hit "I'm feeling uncomfortable." |
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#12515 Ganon: That magnet in the finger idea sounded really awesome, minus the idea of getting some sort of poisoning from the rare-e(+20/-10)
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Ganon: That magnet in the finger idea sounded really awesome, minus the idea of getting some sort of poisoning from the rare-earth metals
Gayo: oh oh dude
Gayo: What if you were a woman and you had MAGNETIC BREAST IMPLANTS.
Katt: I guess that would make you really attractive
Ganon: ... |
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#59 <Moot> ok, here's what we do(+21/-12) |
<Moot> ok, here's what we do
<Moot> we break into AOL HQ
<Moot> and instead of the AOL setup utility, we put metallica mp3s on all of the startup cds |
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#8729 * suresh warns everyone he's working on 1 1/2 hour of sleep and might be overly sociable(+18/-9)
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* suresh warns everyone he's working on 1 1/2 hour of sleep and might be overly sociable
<Snow> Geez. You get social when you're sleep deprived?
<Snow> I get homicidal and silly.
<Snow> I'm like a clown with a chainsaw.
<Snow> "Look at me! I'm wearing your spleen!" |
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#12497 <kickass_5> google books?(+18/-9) |
<kickass_5> google books?
<kickass_5> never heard of it
<HiLander> which one?
<HiLander> google or books? |
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#182212 <Masquerade> people think i'm gothic, or satanic all the time.(+10/-1)
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<Masquerade> people think i'm gothic, or satanic all the time.
<Masquerade> my orthodontist talked about performing an excorcism...
<Malevolence> what's he gonna banish, halitosis? |
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#12495 <MartinRandom> Creepier yet the only japanese I know is how to say hello, goodbye, and how to respond when being raped(+17/-9) |
<MartinRandom> Creepier yet the only japanese I know is how to say hello, goodbye, and how to respond when being raped
Comment: #raspberryheaven |
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#12624 <JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book(+17/-9)
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<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...
<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything
<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
Comment: Classic quote from bash.org |
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